I thought long and hard about everything that has happened since he left to follow his dreams. I thought about why he mattered and thought about why I chose him. I thought about where I should go from here and what I should do.
And only one answer resounds so loudly in my head. Forget. Exactly, I must forget. It takes time, but I will forget. Not before doing an analysis here though. I need to know why I felt the way I felt. I need to rationalize things.
The problem of the matter.
People don't love a certain individual without due reason. Perhaps the main reason should be how the person makes them feel. I used to think love was totally altruistic and selfless but as I look back on this matter, maybe it was not. So here are my reasons for liking him.
1) I felt lonely and unloved. I still wasn't contented being single all these while even though I kept telling myself I was alright. The answer to this? Continue to stay single till I'm happy with the way I am. Continue to grow closer to God and let Him fill my emptiness. For there is no well so deep, no hole too big in my heart that He can't fill.
2) I like smart and ambitious people. Okay I'll face it. This might sound really materialistic but I believe that I'll feel safe and financially secure with him next time. This might've resulted from my own upbringing in a family that values thriftiness; I look at the way his family lives and spend their money and I envy them. Sounds really bad but sometimes I wished I could live the way he does. He's smart and okay... good looking to a certain extent. That means good genes right? Ugh told you this was gonna sound really materialistic.
3) He has a big family. He has cousins and relatives everywhere! And they meet every so often too. Once again I envy this. I wish I could have relatives in all the right places, with all the right connections. And maybe I just wish I could grow up with cousins my age, become an aunt when my cousins get married... I just wanted a big family.
4) I enjoyed playing with him. And I mean really, playing. I like the times we tussle over the game controllers and and poke each other to death. I like taking the inking stamps and stamping them all over his arm. I felt really close to him that way and... yeah it's one of the five love languages, physical touch. I think that had a pretty strong effect on me.
5) He treasures his family above friends. For that I salute him. Makes a good husband, no?
After considering all these points, I thought about how much I actually knew about him. To be honest, each time I meet him nowadays it feels like it's my first time meeting him all over again. He's someone that keeps secrets and I don't really like that, me being someone that wears her feelings on her sleeves. I readily tell anyone how I'm feeling and what's bothering me. He doesn't. I wish he'll let me in but I don't think he ever will.
If I were to consider my feelings, well.. he makes me feel like I want to be a better person. I want to study more and get good grades so that I can be like him? I don't know. Part of me has the mentality that if I do better, people will treasure me more. Hence it really broke me when I faced failures of any sort. God had to meet me at the altar and whisper that He loves me. I cried and sobbed my heart out that day, 30/04/2006. I need to remember that.
For the 8 weeks that he's away, I'm gonna live a good life. I'm gonna do well in my studies and forget this love. This infatuation or crush. Categorize it in whatever way you want. I'm not sure of this anymore.
Hence, this blog will serve as my petty memories notebook, like y'know, petty cash register? haha just a record of the random things that happen everyday, till the day he comes back. Then I'll look back and see what I've gone through.
Oh! and another rule I've imposed on myself. No more talking about him to anyone for these 2 months. If I don't talk about him (not on my blog), my memories will subside and leave me alone. I'll be well. (:
Sunday 07/02: Sent him off. Came back to hall, watched Seducing Mr Perfect. Emos! ): ):
Monday 08/02: Fanching's birthday. Forgot to wish him happy birthday but he probably wouldnt mind. Him being someone that dont want people to remember his birthday. Maybe I'll wish him another time. Saw yujun online and talked to him! Glad that he's doing well. He talked about having to eat chicken everyday and I found it quite funny. (:
Tuesday 09/02: Saw SPMS starstruck and well... met dylan. He's good looking and darn smart. That's how I thought about yujun and why I liked him. Hence this post. Ugh stupid heart. Stupid feelings.
