RIP junko furuta. your murderers are the worst mankind has ever known.

should i spill my thoughts on others and watch them condemn me? or should i just hide everything under this mask, forever going on this masquerade?

I'm tired. i need to study. i need to grow up. i need a life. i need You.

I know there's something affecting yujun but he wouldn't tell me. Hsienyong did say that he didn't feel comfortable to tell me yet, but he only mentioned that the problem was "huge". It just pains me somehow. Not that he won't tell me, but that he's carrying such a burden. I don't wish for him to bring it overseas with him. If only there was something I could do for him. I meant it when I said I thought of him everyday. The tension between this friend and I is just... there. Trying to break it takes time. I can't break it with my thoughts; He'll never know I care.

1) Gkidz leader for church

2) Vice president for Admin in Uni-Y NTU

3) Scrabble Captain for the 2010 Inter-hall games

I think this is abit overwhelming actually. If I don't commit this to God, I cannot survive. Thank you God for all these great opportunities to be part of a great community. and I pray for sustenance to handle all these and still have good results at the same time. Studies are proving to be a little challenging now but I'm gonna lay hold of God's promise of excellence and do my best! (:

someone i knew just took her life. she interviewed me for the uni-y post that i was running for and she's a fellow church sister of mine. we were going to work together in future for uni-y as part of the exco.

i just attended the wake and came back. questions still run through my head like why did she jump and did she think the problem was too hard for god to answer? all these questions would never matter anymore cuz she's gone. from what i know of her, i can tell that she has a very persevering spirit. she was very involved in uni-y and that alone tells much.

i believe that she's in a better place now. nothing can take away the salvation that god has given us. true, she might have chosen to take her life but she is still a child of god. by god's grace he delivers us from our sins and that includes murder, or in this case, the taking of our own lives. my heart sincerely cries out to god that this sister of mine will find peace at last in god's embrace. and that the living would cease to blame themselves for her death.

to an extent, i feel that this is a spiritual attack from the evil one. many of my fellow brothers and sisters have been ill, including myself. just when i decided to make serving god my main priority for this year, the attacks have been coming on strong. i'm going to seek god everyday and remain faithful; i know that the god i serve has already overcome to grave and the powers of the lord of this earth. as much as i grieve the passing of a friend i will continue to put my faith in the one who saves.

God may you please be with all who are grieving tonight. fill them with your great love and grace, touch their hearts and wipe the tears from their eyes. amen.

I really believe that God wants me to clean up the house. That's the term Adrian, the GKidz team leader told us when we were just about to begin our duties as children ministry leaders. God wants me to let go of him. I knew he was going away, but today's announcement came with much sadness for me anyway. I expected it, I knew one day I was gonna have to let him go all over again. I just thought there will always be another day to wait, another day to see him again.

So yes, I must set a good example for the kids that are gonna look up to me as a leader. I must shed my old self and be a stellar example for them to follow. I really am looking to God for much guidance, though just for tonight, my heart is breaking. It's almost as if it's the first time I heard that he's going away all over again. Smiling on the outside, crying on the inside.

Then again, I rationalize things in my head. "Hey, it's not gonna be so bad, he'll be back after a few months and then you can see him again!" Stuff like these bounce back and forth my mind. But I believe God is taking this opportunity to help me to strengthen my resolve. I'll miss him, I'll pray for him and I'll love him, a crush or not it may be. I'm glad I got to talk to him again though! Amazingly I sounded happy on the phone, casually commenting about the gift we were gonna share for our best friend. Just glad to hear his voice.

As for my new little brother (though he obviously isn't calling me his big sister!), I knew he was annoying but I didn't know he'll be THAT annoying. haha. At least according to hy he is. Ahwell. He still reminds me so much of myself and I really hope that we'll be able to mature together in our personalities. He's such a cute but annoying little brother. hahahaha. Okay though if I told him that he'll probably be scared? NAHH. Not him. Git. lol. I would love to help him mold his character and maybe if we're close enough, maybe I could mentor him. He really holds much potential.

Alright 15 more mins before my clothes are done. Will do my QT and read the book hy gave me! Seriously the book is good. I'm gonna lend it back to hy when I'm done cuz I'm sure he'll be greatly blessed by it too!

hmm maybe cuz i've been talking to him quite often for the past 2 or 3 days, when i don't get to talk to him today i feel weird. hahaha. but since i was the one who added him on msn, he has to be the one to ask for my number. simple logic. (: but okay lar i really miss him, or rather i miss talking to him. he feels like a not-so-cute little brother that i've known my whole life.

the kids today were really fun. and i found out something really interesting too. one more recruitment for the NTU cell! woots. :D

and i have a feeling, a very, very strong hunch that someone in hall likes me. he's a senior from cjc too and a really smart person, i really wonder why he'll like me though. the whole scrabble/boggle team is scandalizing the both of us now. I hope i'll survive vday well. lol lol. wah okay he just messaged me on msn. at 3am. i'm dead now.

goodnight! random ramblings of a dead mind.

The more I know him, the more I see myself in him. More specifically, my past. He reminds me so much of how I used to be. I admire his commitment to doing what he enjoys doing, something I might have lost somewhere in my journey through this life. Sometimes overly critical and straight-forward, placating nobody and just being... himself. To some extent naive but manipulative, yet so tender at heart. Analyzing things down to the smallest iota of information, yet ignoring what he has no interest in, scorning what he has the most contempt for. Really, I couldn't have asked for a better duplicate of my personality in someone else. I enjoy our conversations and of course, only if my interest stays. ;D Maybe I'll love to see the person he becomes.

Ahhh and I'm starting to wonder about my senior. He keeps asking me to go ice-skating with him now, after knowing I've gone ice-skating before. One on one. I'm still a noob! I see red lights going off in my mind though. Hope I'm wrong.