1:12 PM
Monday, November 30, 2009
I promise this will be the last post about him.
Telling me to give up isn't easy at all. I hate this conflict of feelings in my heart. I need to rationalize things out. This wouldn't work. I know I still have something for him and I care a lot about him, but so do many others out there. When he's gone I'll miss him, but then again, so will you and you and you.
Someone asked me, what do I like about him? Can I even claim to have known him? Do I know what kind of girls he like? In all honesty I can never answer such questions. I haven't been hanging out with him as much as I would like to but I do like the person I am when I'm with him. I appreciate the way he treats his friends and family. His innate beauty is what draws me to him but still, I hope he finds a good girl next time. We'll still always be friends.
All I know now is this: I trust that God knows what's in store for both of us. I trust God to be God. And somehow, this isn't the right time. Not right at all. I may love him, but I know God loves him even more than I ever could. I'll leave him to God.
As for me, I'll snap out of this. Thank you to all who have been with me, endured my bouts of emo-ism. No amount of thanks is sufficient for all the help you all have provided me. I will work hard and clear this sem properly now. All of us are working hard for our hopes and dreams, why shouldn't I? (:
I may be sad for awhile but I believe he's doing something he really has the passion for. And so I too will fight for my goals. I'm hopeful, but at the same time I have to be realistic about things. I will do well in wherever I'm placed. I will not placate my inner desires and exchange them for the plans God has for me.
Here goes, last post over. I wish him all the best.
4:05 PM
Saturday, November 28, 2009
It's weird how I'll miss the pilot even when I'm with him.
Mundae encourages me to well... tell him how i feel but i really dont know. I know it won't make a difference but at least it gets something off my chest... y'know?
Yesterday was fun, lots of hanging around and getting to know 2 new friends but obviously having the pilot around was really great. I like it how we're friends. 2 months more to departure huh.
GAH I should stop being emo. Someone told me this, "If he didn't consider you before making the decision to become a pilot, why should you consider him?" Argh. Really, to each his own. I just can't stop thinking about him. I'll wish him all the best.
On a random note, some small boy about the age of 4 to 5 years went up to me and touched my butt yesterday. When I looked around he smiled at me with this cheeky grin, as if he were expecting me to give him some candy. Kids nowadays. Sheesh. If you were any older I'll kick you till you flew down the escalators, my dear boy.
8:24 PM
Sunday, November 22, 2009
A quick post before I shower.
THE TREE IS A ROAD HAZARD. hahahaha omg. he drives really fast and wow, literally he takes my breath away. Riding in his car is like a roller coaster; it gets your adrenaline pumping! I don't know if i'll ever want to ride in his car again. Imagine, 20 minutes from woodlands to NTU is no big joke. he's just damn fast. Supper at Al-Ameen was cool but man, was it sinful! The naans there are good.
:D :D :D meeting the Pilot next week at his house! omg omg omg. together with yahui and the chem engineer. i'm so excited! ho ho. all hell break loose, even before the exams are over. ;D
this is just so awesome. miss them all so much! heard the pilot's voice and woah, so happy to be hearing from him. i think this is all in my head but heck, i'm happy anyway. i was just being emo about him a few days ago but things are gonna get better. yay! XD
but letting him go all over again might not be an easy thing at all. sigh.
LITTLE BIG PLANET, HERE I COME. maybe a little halo if he wants.
and he better get prepared to be slapped. Over and over again. :D
10:21 PM
Saturday, November 21, 2009
i miss you. so much.
but you'll go anyway.
10:23 PM
Friday, November 20, 2009
I AM MEGA HUNGRY NOW. cuz the Tree is late. Haha i miss him alot but i'm hungry! sigh. and i'm sleepy too. hopefully i dont sleep halfway during supper later.
I survived chem! not too bad i guess, though if i think it's manageable, others would think it's chicken. but at least i know that i can do it if i put in more effort! i must buck up for my other papers coming up. especially maths and physics. oh the horror.
the Pilot has really signed the deal. when i heard that i almost couldnt believe what i was being told. i thought about him and all the times the 4 of us spent together, it was just impossible to imagine how things will be like when he's off to pilot school.
Mundae is probably staying in hall next year! I really hope I get a place so I can pull him to stay in the same hall as me. If i'm that influential huh. haha! things will get pretty interesting with him around.
The Leonid showers were kinda disappointing but well, I spent time with Constance and Gerald. More of spent 2 hours under the stars talking to him about pretty much everything under ... the stars. and bemoaning the fact it was too darn cloudy too see much. caught the much hyped flash though, though it was only a fireball blazing for a second or so. oh well.
Mermaid disturbed me about Sundae today and well... Sundae is nice, but I don't see both of us together. He's a little too wild for me i think, plus there's something about him that i can't explain, something not quite right.
Happy birthday Yahui! Sadly wont be able to see you tomorrow, but hope you have a blast at the wedding. (:
note to self - never ever buy UHT milk again. bleahhh.
9:16 PM
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Dear God
Let me live each day in light of You. I love You Lord. In spite of my own situations, teach me to look to You always. I know nothing can ever separate me from Your love, be it my failures or my inadequacies, my sins and shortcomings, my loves and desires.
I trust You to be God.
11:39 PM
Thursday, November 12, 2009
okay so i took a nap for just ONE HOUR and i got 3 consecutive missed calls. so i posted on my msn nick this:
joanne - whoever called me 3 times straight, please call me again! sorryyyyyyy! >.< >.< >.<
i got 2 responses, one from munkiat and one from xavier. they are damn hilarious.
joanne: i hope the calls are not from sundae boy (codename haha). =s =s =s
mk: can i be mundae boy? he takes your sundays and i take your mondays.
it's really classic cuz, it's just so not mk to make this kind of jokes. but he's been increasingly amusing to talk to and such a dear, i wonder if hy ever knew that we'll be such good friends.
and XAV. disturbing lar this one. keep insisting it's him, even when i found out who called. XD reason? to whisper sweet nothings. yo, disturbing lar bro. hahaha like i'll ever believe you, pervert!
Turns out it was my sister! ahwell no more mystery for the night, can mug properly now. (:
9:28 PM
blearghhhhh.
i like it how they say you're weird. somehow. good friends can be weird together. woots.
i think i should password my blog. it's getting really random.
i'm tired.
and i miss alot of people now. naooo. but i should learn to treasure those around me now rather than miss them when they're gone. lesson learnt. (:
5:14 PM
there was, and still is, a girl that lives, that captures my attention so amazingly. I can never understand it. for reasons so bizarre, our lives are so shockingly different. yet i knew her and i dont think i can ever forget her. facebook helps.
we share the same insecurities and fears, we're so alike, yet our circumstances are so different. her family's broken; mine's whole. she thinks her life's fucked up but here i am, living each day as a blessing. i dont know. she doesn't believe in God anymore. i guess that makes all the difference in our attitudes towards life.
but i still miss her. it's weird, but she's one of those whom i really liked in the past, she's been so interesting and such an amazing friend. dont think i'll ever get a chance to know her again, we never really talked much and well, after she left we didnt talk at all. i wish i could help her somehow, but we're just, gone. nothing exists between the miles that stretch on forever between us.
happy birthday.
2:06 AM
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
times like these are when i really thank god for the little things in life.
Well, these little things are actually larger than life to me. I love them and I really am grateful for everything they do.
Thank God for friends. For hsienyong who first asked me how i was doing, munkiat who fussed over me like he was my dad, celine who talked to me on the phone and to whom i cried my heart out to and john, for trying to rationalize my situation. Even for xavier who kept bugging me and threatening to come over to my hall (and i know he never would. stupid pervert)
Yupps I truly am thankful. God brings me through times like these so i can grow and appreciate the wonderful people i have around me.
I will continue to give it my best shot, but i'll leave my options open. I'll pray for a sign. might be contemplating communications (being a journalist should be good for me, writing!) or sociology, and follow my dad's footsteps in the business of helping people.
I want a hug. i really want a hug. and yes i will so hug that tree when he visits me in hall next week.
goodnight.
2:57 PM
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
If only everyone knew why they did what they did, the world would be a much purposeful place to live in.
I've grown disillusioned with my studies. I feel like I shouldn't be here. How did I land up here? I dont feel the same passion I had for my studies like I did in JC or secondary sch00l. This isn't supposed to be the case. Uni is supposed to be the last lap, why does it feel like it's only the beginning?
Yeah dreams. I cannot give up on my dream. Although it has died, I'll have to revive it from the ashes and move on.
I don't have any other choice.
5:12 PM
Thursday, November 05, 2009
WAH MECHANISMS MECHANISMS MECHANISMS. DRIVING ME NUTS.
Honestly I'm in a very vulgar mood. I keep swearing inside my head when I'm compiling them mechanisms.
JUST DIE ALREADY. RAWRRRR.
12:20 AM
Tuesday, November 03, 2009
it's weird, but once i knew you i wished you didn't have to go.
please study hard! i'll study hard too! lol.
all for the greater good, don't be selfish jo.
11:27 AM
Monday, November 02, 2009
random~ but i think the highlight of my weekend was my dad's reaction when I showed him a fb profile.
"huh you like this kind of guys ah." XD
That was gold.
Back to studying!
1:15 AM
Tread softly, for you tread upon my dreams.
And so it goes. Don't know where I heard this line from but I've always remembered it.
The room, its four walls
closing in, she
screams;
the soft toy
cuddly, soft and pathetic
sitting at the corner
it cannot help.
Her demons unleashed
full rampage
destroying, uprooting
her dreams, her reality
sparing no shred of humanity
she weeps.
momentary glances - the door
it creaks open
thin stream of light
she looks up
eyes red; sore
full of wonder
behold! a beautiful face.
Sweet rescue.
Nightmares may come
storms, floods
Come what may
trials and tribulations
She's safe.
She's with You.
12:37 AM
Sunday, November 01, 2009
I feel like I'm losing my interest in studying.
Where was the passion I had a year ago in getting good grades? I want to get it back. I NEED to get it back. Something is terribly wrong with my current state. I find myself so distracted, my mind wandering all over the place. I need to concentrate. Concentration is really the name of the game here.
RAMBLES ON.
Okay whatever. I need to set some goals NOW. And work towards achieving it religiously. Aim for the stars huh? I will.
I must get at least a B+ for CBC113, A for CBC121, A for CBC811, MAS181 PASS (to hell with it, S/U already), PAP181 PASS (pass/fail module), A for HE191.
Damn I think even this is not enough. I can't get this sudden urge to study only when I'm really tired and find that I haven't been doing enough the entire day.
As for other things concerning me and a certain other person, I'm pissed to a certain extent. Shall remain cryptic here but I hope you'll tell me what you really feel and don't do anything behind my back. It makes me feel like you're hiding something from me, be it your feelings or intentions.
Goodnight.
