11:02 PM
Sunday, April 25, 2010
The fight ain't over yet.
God, I want to make this covenant with You.
1) I will not doubt your existence ever again.
2) I believe you have a plan for me, I'm going to work hard in my course and be the best that I can be.
3) I will not doubt my worth and will not base it on my studies anymore.
Amen.
12:03 AM
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
You must press on. Joanne you cannot give up now. It's just one more week. We can pull through this together.
I believe in you.
10:28 PM
Thursday, February 25, 2010
I thought it was going to be a breeze.
Hah.
I couldn't have been more wrong. It was a good wake up call, to drag my inner introvert out from the closet into the spotlight.
Okay so I went for auditions for the first time for a singing competition. Some intra hall singing competition first. The winner of the hall singing competition would represent the hall in the INTER hall singing competition.
I had a bad cough yesterday and couldn't hit the high notes. Last minute today I swapped songs and I didn't practice this new song, was only given what? 1 hour. I sang defying gravity and murdered it. Not at the high notes, but the LOW NOTES. Friggin hell. I forgot the lyrics, blanked out at some parts, murmured the low notes cuz I freaking couldn't reach them.
Well the judges were people from my hall but I dont know them. Good or bad thing? I don't know. I think I chose a damn tough song too. Cuz I dont know any other songs. Havent been hearing songs lately.
So the comments were typical, great high notes, wow why did you choose such a difficult song? told them i changed songs last min blah blah. I was DAMN NERVOUS. FUCKKKKKK. And honestly my voice was tired from practicing too much before I went in. haha. last minute change song argh.
And they also said the pronounciation wasnt very good. Blahblah. Actually not that much bad comments, but I am still freaking disappointed. My voice could be better, I didn't have the guts, my friend had to accompany me. She waited outside the room of course. Love her. I only got to know her better today too. She's the one who suggested me changing song to defying gravity.
Well bottomline is. I'm glad I tried. I really am. But sometimes trying isn't enough. You need to tell yourself you'll emerge the victor. All I thought of was, I'll give this a shot, I make it or not nevermind. That was the wrong mindset. I should've told myself I CAN DO THIS, I WILL WIN. So this is what I get for trying, consolation prize, I just feel that well... it's better than not going at all. It's a great start. (:
1:08 AM
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Happy Chinese New Year. (:
12:34 AM
Friday, February 12, 2010
Man that was pretty scary. I logged into my blogger account and found that there was another blog on it. It wasn't my account at all. I wonder who used my account and hope this account isn't hacked.
Today was rather peaceful. Though I do think I'm going a lil broke. Supporting hall people and all with hall prod! haha. Ahwell friends. what to do. x)
Vday is coming and all the spam outside my door isn't helping. Advertisements for chocolate, wine, flowers, teddy bears... the list goes on and on! I don't think vday will be very interesting this year. On the bright side, I won't have to reject anyone this year. (: hahahaha now you know why this blog is locked. x) BHB ttm.
I saw him online but didn't talk to him cuz his msn read: studying. Sigh we have a little mugger down under.
2:19 AM
Thursday, February 11, 2010
I had the youthnet leaders' reunion dinner today! I was assigned to a table where I knew no one but it seemed that the people there knew each other already. oh well. Was the youngest too. I served them noodles and the waiter scolded me for "making it rojak". Was quite offended and I remembered the last time I did waitering and got looked down upon by the other waiters and some customers. I mean, who gave you the right, the service provider, to chide your customer? Just cuz I look young? What exactly is your company's policy on the way you treat your customers?
God then reminded me of my favourite verse 1 tim 4:12. "Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity."
I have a feeling youth for me will last for a long long time. haha. To some it might be a blessing but for me it might be my curse. To be forever a xiao mei mei in the eyes of others. Well, I'll work hard and establish myself as a good adult. I'll study hard for God's glory. GPA 4 and above for this sem please! haha.
Oh! and the president has done it again. Out of the many applicants for the internship at the istana, junming got it! Seriously he is damn genius. So proud of him luh! 1 representative from each university, SMU, NTU and NUS, only 2 can get it and he was one of them! I think the SMU one cmi. Heard his story about how the more he served God the better he got for his GPA. Must claim the blessing from him man. hahaha.
I thought the MCs at today's event were really good! Qingyu was awesome and pretty and her Chinese can blow you away. And Benjamin is really cute. HA. Seriously. Another ACS boy whose Chinese sucks. I'll see him around GKidz.
go go GPA 4.5 this sem! hahaahhahaa. :D Instead of wanting a smart fella, why dont I become the smart one myself? (:
11:18 PM
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
I thought long and hard about everything that has happened since he left to follow his dreams. I thought about why he mattered and thought about why I chose him. I thought about where I should go from here and what I should do.
And only one answer resounds so loudly in my head. Forget. Exactly, I must forget. It takes time, but I will forget. Not before doing an analysis here though. I need to know why I felt the way I felt. I need to rationalize things.
The problem of the matter.
People don't love a certain individual without due reason. Perhaps the main reason should be how the person makes them feel. I used to think love was totally altruistic and selfless but as I look back on this matter, maybe it was not. So here are my reasons for liking him.
1) I felt lonely and unloved. I still wasn't contented being single all these while even though I kept telling myself I was alright. The answer to this? Continue to stay single till I'm happy with the way I am. Continue to grow closer to God and let Him fill my emptiness. For there is no well so deep, no hole too big in my heart that He can't fill.
2) I like smart and ambitious people. Okay I'll face it. This might sound really materialistic but I believe that I'll feel safe and financially secure with him next time. This might've resulted from my own upbringing in a family that values thriftiness; I look at the way his family lives and spend their money and I envy them. Sounds really bad but sometimes I wished I could live the way he does. He's smart and okay... good looking to a certain extent. That means good genes right? Ugh told you this was gonna sound really materialistic.
3) He has a big family. He has cousins and relatives everywhere! And they meet every so often too. Once again I envy this. I wish I could have relatives in all the right places, with all the right connections. And maybe I just wish I could grow up with cousins my age, become an aunt when my cousins get married... I just wanted a big family.
4) I enjoyed playing with him. And I mean really, playing. I like the times we tussle over the game controllers and and poke each other to death. I like taking the inking stamps and stamping them all over his arm. I felt really close to him that way and... yeah it's one of the five love languages, physical touch. I think that had a pretty strong effect on me.
5) He treasures his family above friends. For that I salute him. Makes a good husband, no?
After considering all these points, I thought about how much I actually knew about him. To be honest, each time I meet him nowadays it feels like it's my first time meeting him all over again. He's someone that keeps secrets and I don't really like that, me being someone that wears her feelings on her sleeves. I readily tell anyone how I'm feeling and what's bothering me. He doesn't. I wish he'll let me in but I don't think he ever will.
If I were to consider my feelings, well.. he makes me feel like I want to be a better person. I want to study more and get good grades so that I can be like him? I don't know. Part of me has the mentality that if I do better, people will treasure me more. Hence it really broke me when I faced failures of any sort. God had to meet me at the altar and whisper that He loves me. I cried and sobbed my heart out that day, 30/04/2006. I need to remember that.
For the 8 weeks that he's away, I'm gonna live a good life. I'm gonna do well in my studies and forget this love. This infatuation or crush. Categorize it in whatever way you want. I'm not sure of this anymore.
Hence, this blog will serve as my petty memories notebook, like y'know, petty cash register? haha just a record of the random things that happen everyday, till the day he comes back. Then I'll look back and see what I've gone through.
Oh! and another rule I've imposed on myself. No more talking about him to anyone for these 2 months. If I don't talk about him (not on my blog), my memories will subside and leave me alone. I'll be well. (:
Sunday 07/02: Sent him off. Came back to hall, watched Seducing Mr Perfect. Emos! ): ):
Monday 08/02: Fanching's birthday. Forgot to wish him happy birthday but he probably wouldnt mind. Him being someone that dont want people to remember his birthday. Maybe I'll wish him another time. Saw yujun online and talked to him! Glad that he's doing well. He talked about having to eat chicken everyday and I found it quite funny. (:
Tuesday 09/02: Saw SPMS starstruck and well... met dylan. He's good looking and darn smart. That's how I thought about yujun and why I liked him. Hence this post. Ugh stupid heart. Stupid feelings.
